"Analytics is ruining ________" insert your sport.

I'm not going to die on that hill because the hill is already an over-crowded cemetery of dead takes that have already been made before me, said by people with a larger audience than me, who get paid a decent amount more money than I do for saying it. So when I tell you, as I have told you many times in this column to manage your expectations, it applies even more in a piece like this. I'm going to tell you who will win the Super Bowl without analysis of counting stats or advanced analytics or any of that highfalutin "I have a literal degree in discrete mathematics" dick-swinging (no disrespect to Jon Bois) because it's more interesting that way.

What follows will be an arbitrary collection of moments, happenings, things, images, etc. from players and coaches of The Kansas City Chiefs and Philadelphia Eagles respectively. I will award point values that are expected and typical of a football game (6, 3, 2, 1) for equally arbitrary, pointless and inconsistent reasons. At the end, we tally everything up and declare a winner.

Ready?

Andy Reid and the art of "know thyself"

Earlier this week Andy Reid finds himself explaining that he's not a coffee drinker when asked about his morning routine. Not only does the noted-Mormon and former BYU quarterback not drink coffee, he doesn't drink anything at all in the morning. I presume, based on his response not even water. He just wakes up every morning, crushes a few cheeseburgers and gets right to work being a coaching menace to the rest of the AFC; and he has plenty of energy to be the most delightful menance you done met. Take a listen:

"I've got endless energy for a chubby guy".

No doubt about it: Andy Reid is powered by smoked ribs and smoked option routes. I love the self-awareness. I love the humility. I love the jump cut. Chiefs are on the board.

KC: 7
PHI: 0

Jalen got jokes 👀

...touchdown Philly.

KC: 7
PHI: 7

Them Kelce boys...

Did you know this is the first time two brothers have faced off against each other in a Super Bowl? Did you know those brothers have a podcast? Not only do Travis and Jason Kelce have a podcast, they're still out here putting out content three days before the big game. I'd seen clips and segments pop up in YouTube recommendations, last week I finally listened to a full episode. What a pair of straight up dudes.

I love this era we're in of professional athletes making content and interacting with their fans. It's a podcast full a special kind of wholesome heartfelt brotherly love and sibling-shit talking. It also features Jason Kelce's knowledge of NFL Blitz cheat codes which was a throwback I did not expect. Also apparently Donna Kelce, the Matriarch of the family makes some bangin' cookies. It's a fun show, I highly recommend it, but I don't know who to give points to for this one, so I'm giving the edge to Jason's eyebrows via field goal. Eagles go up by three.

KC: 7
PHI: 10
Momma Kelce: 5000.

"Burrowhead my ass"

Allow me one more moment to gush about how much fun I'm having watching how much fun the Kelces are having:

KC: 14
PHI: 10

Eagles to potentially lose their offensive coordinator to (checks notes) the Colts....again?

If you didn't think I'd find a way to sneak the Indianapolis Colts into this writeup, you're not paying attention.  

The Philadelphia Eagles and Indianapolis Colts have been interesting commerce partners in the last few years. After the Colts plucked then offensive coordinator Frank Reich and made him head coach in 2018, the Eagles then plucked Colts OC Nick Sirriani and made him their HC (and the Colts offense was never the same). Five short years later, Frank Reich has been ran out of the building after a 40-33-1 stint in Naptown that saw the retirement of Andrew Luck and a Cleveland Browns-esque parade of new and different quarterbacks every year since.

It's not just the coaching trades that have made these two teams possibly the NFL's most incestuous commerce relationship; tight end Trey Burton (also known as "that guy who threw that tuddy to Nick Foles") followed Reich to Indy as Colts wide receiver Zach Pascal followed his OC and went to join Nick Sirianni in Philly over free agency. It gets worse. The previously mentioned parade of quarterbacks that attempted to replace the suddenly retired Andrew Luck contained bits of Eagles DNA in the forms of Carson Wentz and (later) Nick Foles. I promise to write about this one day, it's too fucked up not to.

...where was I even going with any of this....I'm not actually sure. Somehow though it ends up with DeVonta Smith fumbling the ball and KC returning it to the Philly 30 yard line before a Harrison Butker boot.

KC: 17
PHI: 10

It be the ones closest to you

Probably my favorite narrative going into this game is Andy Reid vs. his former team and the ultimate villain origin story this will create for Nick Sirianni if the birds lose.

Mostly for the memes:

KC: 17
PHI: 13

The Eagles still have Minshew and his mustache...

That's gotta be worth seven points, right? Why am I even asking. He may not be as large, physically imposing or as fast as Jalen Hurts, but Gardner Minshew is the manliest man in the NFL. I heard he shaved his mustache to gain an extra .4 seconds in the 40 yard dash at the Combine, and then immediately grew it back before starting passing drills. Put it on the board, Sammy.

KC: 17
PHI: 20

...but the Chiefs literally have a dude named 'Prince'.

Listen I'm an 80's baby, which means my life starter pack includes Nintendo Entertainment Systems, TrapperKeepers and the eponymous soundtrack to the movie "Purple Rain". You mention Prince and you have my attention. Nothing compares, Mahomes connects to a wide open Smith-Schuster.

KC: 26
PHI: 20

Kansas City BBQ

KC: 32
PHI: 20

I think I'm going to wrap it up there because that last picture just made me hungry. Congrats on the second Super Bowl win, Chiefs Nation. Go get your coach some cheeseburgers.

If any of these things have an outcome on the game, maybe I'll come back to this post and add some additional commentary post-hoc. Until then, enjoy your Super Bowls, drink responsibly, pay the teachers.

See you when we see you.